e left?

That depends on how long it takes Alice to pull a wedding together. I suppressed a groan, imagining what Alice would do.

Before or after? he asked quietly.

I knew what he meant. After.

He nodded. This was a relief to him. I wondered how many sleepless nights the thought of my graduation had given him.

Are you scared? he whispered.

Yes, I whispered back.

What are you afraid of? I could barely hear his voice now. He stared down at my hands.

Lots of things. I worked to make my voice lighter, but I stayed honest. Ive never been much of a masochist, so Im not looking forward to the pain. And I wish there was some way to keephim away  I dont want him to suffer with me, but I dont think theres any way around it. Theres dealing with Charlie, too, and Rene. . . . And then afterward, I hope Ill be able to control myselfsoon. Maybe Ill be such a menace that the pack will have to take me out.

He looked up with a disapproving expression. Id hamstring any one of my brothers who tried.

Thanks.

He smiled halfheartedly. Then he frowned. But isnt it more dangerous than that? In all of the stories, they say its too hard . . . they lose control . . . people die. . . . He gulped.

No, Im not afraid of that. Silly Jacob  dont you know better than to believe vampire stories?

He obviously didnt appreciate my attempt at humor.

Well, anyway, lots to worry about. But worth it, in the end.

He nodded unwillingly, and I knew that he in no way agreed with me.

I stretched my neck up to whisper in his ear, laying my cheek against his warm skin. You know I love you.

I know, he breathed, his arm tightening automatically around my waist. You know how much I wish it was enough.

Yes.

Ill always be waiting in the wings, Bella, he promised, lightening his tone and loosening his arm. I pulled away with a dull, dragging sense of loss, feeling the tearing separation as I left a part of me behind, there on the bed next to him. Youll always have that spare option if you want it.

I made an effort to smile. Until my heart stops beating.

He grinned back. You know, I think maybe Id still take you  maybe. I guess that depends on how much you stink.

Should I come back to see you? Or would you rather I didnt?

Ill think it through and get back to you, he said. I might need the company to keep from going crazy. The vampire surgeon extraordinaire says I cant phase until he gives the okay  it might mess up the way the bones are set. Jacob made a face.

Be good and do what Carlisle tells you to do. Youll get well faster.

Sure, sure.

I wonder when it will happen, I said. When the right girl is going to catch your eye.

Dont get your hopes up, Bella. Jacobs voice was abruptly sour. Though Im sure it would be a relief for you.

Maybe, maybe not. I probably wont think shes good enough for you. I wonder how jealous Ill be.

That part might be kind of fun, he admitted.

Let me know if you want me to come back, and Ill be here, I promised.

With a sigh, he turned his cheek toward me.

I leaned in and kissed his face softly. Love you, Jacob.

He laughed lightly. Love you more.

He watched me walk out of his room with an unfathomable expression in his black eyes.




27. NEEDS

IDIDNT GET VERY FAR BEFORE DRIVING BECAME IMPOS sible.

When I couldnt see anymore, I let my tires find the rough shoulder and rolled slowly to a stop. I slumped over on the seat and allowed the weakness Id fought in Jacobs room crush me. It was worse that Id thought  the force of it took me by surprise. Yes, I had been right to hide this from Jacob. No one should ever see this.

But I wasnt alone for very long  just exactly long enough for Alice to see me here, and then the few minutes it took him to arrive. The door creaked open, and he pulled me into his arms.

At first it was worse. Because there was that smaller part of me  smaller, but getting louder and angrier every minute, screaming at the rest of me  that craved a different set of arms. So then there was fresh guilt to season the pain.

He didnt say anything, he just let me sob until I began to blubber out Charlies name.

Are you really ready to go home? he asked doubtfully.

I managed to convey, after several attempts, that it wasnt going to get any better anytime soon. I needed to get past Charlie before it got late enough for him to call Billy.

So he drove me home  for once not even getting close to my trucks internal speed limit  keeping one arm wrapped tightly around me. The whole way, I fought for control. It seemed to be a doomed effort at first, but I didnt give up. Just a few seconds, I told myself. Just time for a few excuses, or a few lies, and then I could break down again. I had to be able to do that much. I scrambled around in my head, searching desperately for a reserve of strength.

There was just enough for me to quiet the sobs  hold them back but not end them. The tears didnt slow. I couldnt seem to find any handle to even begin to work with those.

Wait for me upstairs, I mumbled when we were in front of the house.

He hugged me closer for one minute, and then he was gone.

Once inside, I headed straight for the stairs.

Bella? Charlie called after me from his usual place on the sofa as I walked by.

I turned to look at him without speaking. His eyes bugged wide, and he lurched to his feet.

What happened? Is Jacob . . . ? he demanded.

I shook my head furiously, trying to find my voice. Hes fine, hes fine, I promised, my voice low and husky. And Jacobwas fine, physically, which is all Charlie was worried about at the moment.

But what happened? He grabbed my shoulders, his eyes still anxious and wide. What happened to you?

I must look worse than Id imagined.

Nothing, Dad. I . . . just had to talk to Jacob about . . . some things that were hard. Im fine.

The anxiety calmed, and was replaced by disapproval.

Was this really the best time? he asked.

Probably not, Dad, but I didnt have any alternatives  it just got to the point where I had to choose. . . . Sometimes, there isnt any way to compromise.

He shook his head slowly. How did he handle it?

I didnt answer.

He looked at my face for a minute, and then nodded. That must have been answer enough.

I hope you didnt mess up his recovery.

Hes a quick healer, I mumbled.

Charlie sighed.

I could feel the control slipping.

Ill be in my room, I told him, shrugging out from underneath his hands.

Kay, Charlie agreed. He could probably see the waterworks starting to escalate. Nothing scared Charlie worse than tears.

I made my way to my room, blind and stumbling.

Once inside, I fought with the clasp on my bracelet, trying to undo it with shaking fingers.

No, Bella, Edward whispered, capturing my hands. Its part of who you are.

He pulled me into the cradle of his arms as the sobs broke free again.

This longest of days seemed to stretch on and on and on. I wondered if it would ever end.

But, though the night dragged relentlessly, it was not the worst night of my life. I took comfort from that. And I was not alone. There was a great deal of comfort in that, too.

Charlies fear of emotional outbursts kept him from checking on me, though I was not quiet  he probably got no more sleep than I did.

My hindsight seemed unbearably clear tonight. I could see every mistake Id made, every bit of harm Id done, the small things and the big things. Each pain Id caused Jacob, each wound Id given Edward, stacked up into neat piles that I could not ignore or deny.

And I realized that Id been wrong all along about the magnets. It had not been Edward and Jacob that Id been trying to force together, it was the two parts of myself, Edwards Bella and Jacobs Bella. But they could not exist together, and I never should have tried.

Id done so much damage.

At some point in the night, I remembered the promise Id made to myself early this morning  that