determination, disabled it. My brain disconnected from my body, and I was kissing him back. Against all reason, my lips were moving with his in strange, confusing ways theyd never moved before  because I didnt have to be careful with Jacob, and he certainly wasnt being careful with me.

My fingers tightened in his hair, but I was pulling him closer now.

He was everywhere. The piercing sunlight turned my eyelids red, and the color fit, matched the heat. The heat was everywhere. I couldnt see or hear or feel anything that wasnt Jacob.

The tiny piece of my brain that retained sanity screamed questions at me.

Why wasnt I stopping this? Worse than that, why couldnt I find in myself even the desire towant to stop? What did it mean that I didnt wanthim to stop? That my hands clung to his shoulders, and liked that they were wide and strong? That his hands pulled me too tight against his body, and yet it was not tight enough for me?

The questions were stupid, because I knew the answer: Id been lying to myself.

Jacob was right. Hed been right all along. He was more than just my friend. Thats why it was so impossible to tell him goodbye  because I was in love with him. Too. I loved him, much more than I should, and yet, still nowhere near enough. I was in love with him, but it was not enough to change anything; it was only enough to hurt us both more. To hurt him worse than I ever had.

I didnt care about more than that  than his pain. I more than deserved whatever pain this caused me. I hoped it was bad. I hoped I would really suffer.

In this moment, it felt as though we were the same person. His pain had always been and would always be my pain  now his joy was my joy. I felt joy, too, and yet his happiness was somehow also pain. Almost tangible  it burned against my skin like acid, a slow torture.

For one brief, never-ending second, an entirely different path expanded behind the lids of my tear-wet eyes. As if I were looking through the filter of Jacobs thoughts, I could see exactly what I was going to give up, exactly what this new self-knowledge would not save me from losing. I could see Charlie and Rene mixed into a strange collage with Billy and Sam and La Push. I could see years passing, and meaning something as they passed, changing me. I could see the enormous red-brown wolf that I loved, always standing as protector if I needed him. For the tiniest fragment of that second, I saw the bobbing heads of two small, black-haired children, running away from me into the familiar forest. When they disappeared, they took the rest of the vision with them.

And then, quite distinctly, I felt the splintering along the fissure line in my heart as the smaller part wrenched itself away from the whole.

Jacobs lips were still before mine were. I opened my eyes and he was staring at me with wonder and elation.

I have to leave, he whispered.

No.

He smiled, pleased by my response. I wont be long, he promised. But one thing first . . .

He bent to kiss me again, and there was no reason to resist. What would be the point?

This time was different. His hands were soft on my face and his warm lips were gentle, unexpectedly hesitant. It was brief, and very, very sweet.

His arms curled around me, and he hugged me securely while he whispered in my ear.

Thatshould have been our first kiss. Better late than never.

Against his chest, where he couldnt see, the tears welled up and spilled over.




24. SNAP DECISION

ILAY FACEDOWN ACROSS THE SLEEPING BAG, WAITING for justice to find me. Maybe an avalanche would bury me here. I wished it would. I never wanted to have to see my face in the mirror again.

There was no sound to warn me. Out of nowhere, Edwards cold hand stroked against my knotted hair. I shuddered guiltily at his touch.

Are you all right? he murmured, his voice anxious.

No. I want to die.

That will never happen. I wont allow it.

I groaned and then whispered, You might change your mind about that.

Wheres Jacob?

He went to fight, I mumbled into the floor.

Jacob had left the little camp joyfully  with a cheerful Ill be right back  running full tilt for the clearing, already quivering as he prepared to shift to his other self. By now the whole pack knew everything. Seth Clearwater, pacing outside the tent, was an intimate witness to my disgrace.

Edward was silent for a long moment. Oh, he finally said.

The tone of his voice worried me that my avalanche wasnt coming fast enough. I peeked up at him and, sure enough, his eyes were unfocused as he listened to something Id rather die than have him hear. I dropped my face back to the floor.

It stunned me when Edward chuckled reluctantly.

And I thoughtI fought dirty, he said with grudging admiration. He makes me look like the patron saint of ethics. His hand brushed against the part of my cheek that was exposed. Im not mad at you, love. Jacobs more cunning than I gave him credit for. I do wish you hadnt asked him, though.

Edward, I whispered to the rough nylon. I . . . I . . . Im 

Shh, he hushed me, his fingers soothing against my cheek. Thats not what I meant. Its just that he would have kissed you anyway  even if you hadnt fallen for it  and now I dont have an excuse to break his face. I would have really enjoyed that, too.

Fallen for it? I mumbled almost incomprehensibly.

Bella, did you really believe he was that noble? That he would go out in a flame of glory just to clear the way for me?

I raised my head slowly to meet his patient gaze. His expression was soft; his eyes were full of understanding rather than the revulsion I deserved to see.

Yes, I did believe that, I muttered, and then looked away. But I didnt feel any anger at Jacob for tricking me. There wasnt enough room in my body to contain anything besides the hatred I felt toward myself.

Edward laughed softly again. Youre such a bad liar, youll believe anyone who has the least bit of skill.

Why arent you angry with me? I whispered. Why dont you hate me? Or havent you heard the whole story yet?

I think I got a fairly comprehensive look, he said in a light, easy voice. Jacob makes vivid mental pictures. I feel almost as bad for his pack as I do for myself. Poor Seth was getting nauseated. But Sam is making Jacob focus now.

I closed my eyes and shook my head in agony. The sharp nylon fibers of the tent floor scraped against my skin.

Youre only human, he whispered, stroking my hair again.

Thats the most miserable defense Ive ever heard.

But you are human, Bella. And, as much as I might wish otherwise, so is he. . . . There are holes in your life that I cant fill. I understand that.

But thats nottrue. Thats what makes me so horrible. There are no holes.

You love him, he murmured gently.

Every cell in my body ached to deny it.

I love you more, I said. It was the best I could do.

Yes, I know that, too. But . . . when I left you, Bella, I left you bleeding. Jacob was the one to stitch you back up again. That was bound to leave its mark  on both of you. Im not sure those kinds of stitches dissolve on their own. I cant blame either of you for something I made necessary. I may gain forgiveness, but that doesnt let me escape the consequences.

I should have known youd find some way to blame yourself. Please stop. I cant stand it.

What would you like me to say?

I want you to call me every bad name you can think of, in every language you know. I want you to tell me that youre disgusted with me and that youre going to leave so that I can beg and grovel on my knees for you to stay.

Im sorry. He sighed. I cant do that.

At least stop trying to make me feel better. Let me suffer. I deserve it.

No, he murmured.

I nodded slowly. Youre right. Keep on being too understanding. Thats probably worse.

He was silent for a moment, and I sensed a charge in the atmosphere, a new urgency.

Its getting close, I stated.

Yes, a few more minutes now. Just enough ti