ure here, Jacob.

You mean, as much as Id love to kill you, Im glad shes warm, right?

Its an uncomfortable truce, isnt it?

Jacobs whisper was suddenly smug. I knew you were just as crazy jealous as I am.

Im not such a fool as to wear it on my sleeve like you do. It doesnt help your case, you know.

You have more patience than I do.

I should. Ive had a hundred years to gain it. A hundred years of waiting forher. 

So . . . at what point did you decide to play the very patient good guy?

When I saw how much it was hurting her to make her choose. Its not usually this difficult to control. I can smother the . . . less civilized feelings I may have for you fairly easily most of the time. Sometimes I think she sees through me, but I cant be sure.

I think you were just worried that if you really forced her to choose, she might not choose you.

Edward didnt answer right away. That was a part of it, he finally admitted. But only a small part. We all have our moments of doubt. Mostly I was worried that shed hurt herself trying to sneak away to see you. After Id accepted that she was more or less safe with you  as safe as Bella ever is  it seemed best to stop driving her to extremes.

Jacob sighed. Id tell her all of this, but shed never believe me.

I know. It sounded like Edward was smiling.

You think you know everything, Jacob muttered.

I dont know the future, Edward said, his voice suddenly unsure.

There was a long pause.

What would you do if she changed her mind? Jacob asked.

I dont know that either.

Jacob chuckled quietly. Would you try to kill me? Sarcastic again, as if doubting Edwards ability to do it.

No.

Why not? Jacobs tone was still jeering.

Do you really think I would hurt her that way?

Jacob hesitated for a second, and then sighed. Yeah, youre right. I know thats right. But sometimes . . .

Sometimes its an intriguing idea.

Jacob pressed his face into the sleeping bag to muffle his laugher. Exactly, he eventually agreed.

What a strange dream this was. I wondered if it was the relentless wind that made me imagine all the whispering. Only the wind was screaming rather than whispering . . .

What is it like? Losing her? Jacob asked after a quiet moment, and there was no hint of humor in his suddenly hoarse voice. When you thought that youd lost her forever? How did you . . . cope?

Thats very difficult for me to talk about.

Jacob waited.

There were two different times that I thought that. Edward spoke each word just a little slower than normal. The first time, when I thought I could leave her . . . that was . . . almost bearable. Because I thought she would forget me and it would be like I hadnt touched her life. For over six months I was able to stay away, to keep my promise that I wouldnt interfere again. It was getting close  I was fighting but I knew I wasnt going to win; I would have come back . . . just to check on her. Thats what I would have told myself, anyway. And if Id found her reasonably happy . . . I like to think that I could have gone away again.

But she wasnt happy. And I would have stayed. Thats how she convinced me to stay with her tomorrow, of course. You were wondering about that before, what could possibly motivate me . . . what she was feeling so needlessly guilty about. She reminded me of what it did to her when I left  what it still does to her when I leave. She feels horrible about bringing that up, but shes right. Ill never be able to make up for that, but Ill never stop trying anyway.

Jacob didnt respond for a moment, listening to the storm or digesting what hed heard, I didnt know which.

And the other time  when you thought she was dead? Jacob whispered roughly.

Yes. Edward answered a different question. It will probably feel like that to you, wont it? The way you perceive us, you might not be able to see her asBella anymore. But thats who shell be.

Thats not what I asked.

Edwards voice came back fast and hard. I cant tell you how it felt. There arent words.

Jacobs arms flexed around me.

But you left because you didnt want to make her a bloodsucker. Youwant her to be human.

Edward spoke slowly. Jacob, from the second that I realized that I loved her, I knew there were only four possibilities. The first alternative, the best one for Bella, would be if she didnt feel as strongly for me  if she got over me and moved on. I would accept that, though it would never change the way I felt. You think of me as a . . . living stone  hard and cold. Thats true. We are set the way we are, and it is very rare for us to experience a real change. When that happens, as when Bella entered my life, it is a permanent change. Theres no going back. . . .

The second alternative, the one Id originally chosen, was to stay with her throughout her human life. It wasnt a good option for her, to waste her life with someone who couldnt be human with her, but it was the alternative I could most easily face. Knowing all along that, when she died, I would find a way to die, too. Sixty years, seventy years  it would seem like a very, very short time to me. . . . But then it proved much too dangerous for her to live in such close proximity with my world. It seemed like everything that could go wrong did. Or hung over us . . . waiting to go wrong. I was terrified that I wouldnt get those sixty years if I stayed near her while she was human.

So I chose option three. Which turned out to be the worst mistake of my very long life, as you know. I chose to take myself out of her world, hoping to force her into the first alternative. It didnt work, and it very nearly killed us both.

What do I have left but the fourth option? Its what she wants  at least, she thinks she does. Ive been trying to delay her, to give her time to find a reason to change her mind, but shes very . . . stubborn. You knowthat. Ill be lucky to stretch this out a few more months. She has a horror of getting older, and her birthday is in September. . . .

I like option one, Jacob muttered.

Edward didnt respond.

You knowexactly how much I hate to accept this, Jacob whispered slowly, but I can see that you do love her . . . in your way. I cant argue with that anymore.

Given that, I dont think you should give up on the first alternative, not yet. I think theres a very good chance that she would be okay. After time. You know, if she hadnt jumped off a cliff in March . . . and if youd waited another six months to check on her. . . . Well, you might have found her reasonably happy. I had a game plan.

Edward chuckled. Maybe it would have worked. It was a well thought-out plan.

Yeah. Jake sighed. But . . . , suddenly he was whispering so fast the words got tangled, give me a year, bl  Edward. I really think I could make her happy. Shes stubborn, no one knows that better than I do, but shes capable of healing. She would have healed before. And she could be human, with Charlie and Rene, and she could grow up, and have kids and . . . be Bella.

You love her enough that you have to see the advantages of that plan. She thinks youre very unselfish . . . are you really? Can you consider the idea that I might be better for her than you are?

Ihave considered it, Edward answered quietly. In some ways, you would be better suited for her than another human. Bella takes some looking after, and youre strong enough that you could protect her from herself, and from everything that conspires against her. Youhave done that already, and Ill owe you for that for as long as I live  forever  whichever comes first. . . .

I even asked Alice if she could see that  see if Bella would be better off with you. She couldnt, of course. She cant see you, and then Bellas sure of her course, for now.

But Im not stupid enough to make the same mistake I made before, Jacob. I wont try to force her into that first option again. As long as she wants me, Im here.

And if she were to decide that sh